Torn Between Two Loves

I struggle.  It keeps me up at night. It causes my mind to ask strange questions like:
1) Am I wasting my time?
2) Does any of this matter?
3) What are the results that should be measured?
4) What should my calendar look like, if I am a disciple of Jesus Christ?
5) Where should my resources be concentrated, if I am being a follower of Jesus?

These questions arise because I am torn between two loves in my life.

First - I love the church.  I love the body of Christ. I am addicted to things like, Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter.  I don't miss preaching a message about the Holy Spirit on Pentecost Sunday.  And every advent candle has a color with a purpose.  Christmas on Sunday is a joy and I've never met a Christmas Eve Service, I didn't worship.  I love small groups that gather to pray and study God's Word.  I adore times of worship and prayer with others.  And, I absolutely love traditional hymns on an organ. Yep! I said it.  Nothing like, "This Is My Father's World" on a swelling organ.  I've been in ministry for over 30 years and I have had the joy of being a custodian of the saints.  It was fulfilling and it made a difference in hundreds of people.

Second - I am devoted to carry out God's mission of redemption.  Carrying out God's mission can easily get lost as we 'do' church. The church is by it's very nature a missional entity that does worship and discipleship in a missional way in order to achieve the accomplishment of the mission. 

Can you see why I am torn? What should drive the agenda of the church? Are we mobilizers of believers for the mission or should the drive be to become stronger followers?  If we can't decide which one drives us, I promise you, the default will be custodians of the saints. The joy and the mundane of ministry.

I hope the reader doesn't think I am saying, choose one or the other.  Both have value.  Both are two loves of my life.  The question that I struggle with and pose to you is, which one should drive us?'

Peace!